why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
