i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
