saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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