had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
