i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
