can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
