I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
