Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
