he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
my liver is dry heaving
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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