Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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