The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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