I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
