I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
