She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
