I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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