My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
