if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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