Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
