for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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