I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Drunk is not a location!
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
