This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
The air taste purple.
Randomize
