i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
