and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
