Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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