There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I think I am morally bankrupt
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
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