I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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