the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
