Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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