there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
