life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
