What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
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the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
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He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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