the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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