Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
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I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
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where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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