I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
