you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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