Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Randomize
