I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
