cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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