I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
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Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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