i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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