having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
