At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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