Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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