Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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