mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
