that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
