Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
