the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
