1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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