First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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