I'm sorry my penis didn't work
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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