Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
