Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
