Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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