can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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