To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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