I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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