this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
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