When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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